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Example Evaluation

The following is an example of what you can expect to receive in an evaluation report. This example has been edited for length.

Although many regular readers might stick things out to about page seventy-five or so before deciding to put down a book, agents, editors, and publishers tend to judge a piece of writing by the first few paragraphs on the first page. Many of them ask for at least the first few chapters, true, but if you don't get them on the first page, the remaining pages might as well be blank. It's hard to find people in the industry who have the time to be a little more patient. It's extremely important to make a fabulous first impression.

Unfortunately, the first chapter doesn't do that. While the second chapter's prose definitely picks up and improves, the first chapter is weak. The phrasing is not what it could be in more than a few places and the sentence structure is too simple overall. Because of this, anyone you're presenting the work to is probably going to lose interest before they get to the end of the chapter. Sections of weak prose of this nature occurs a handful of times throughout the book. Important terms native to your fictional world are misspelled a few times throughout the novel. Be sure to create a style sheet of alien words you make up yourself, and if you can, add them to your spell checker.

The prologue you have does not really start the story with a bang. You can integrate the information into the story itself and create mystery by revealing a little at a time.

The transition between the world that exists in Part One and the world that exists in Part Two isn't clear. The reader never gets a solid update on the aftermath of the "collapse", death of the royal family, etc. It's hard to visualize the new society because that society is so far removed from the perspective of the story, and because of this, the motivation of the characters is hard to believe. The reader gets some personal insight into how some of your secondary main characters are affected by the turmoil, but save for a few lines here and there, the greater impact on the society as a whole isn't really explored. Shouldn't the masses be confused? They damn the royal family, but what about lingering effects of the mind control? Wouldn't they still feel compelled to sing their praises, at least for a while? The main characters sometimes mention civil war in the second part, but there are no real indications of such a strong feeling in the populace.

Likewise, in Part One the reader is only exposed to how the mind control affected Natka, but only right as she is discovering the mind control itself. The reader needs to experience the mind control on a wider level, even if the reader doesn't immediately understand the significance of the references. People other than the main characters must show subtle signs of the royal family's treachery before Natka uncovers the truth in order to give the reader a reason to care. The signs must be subtle enough to seem odd but not obvious until after that plot point is revealed.

What happened to the rebels after the "collapse"? Nothing substantial is ever said, just that the rebels became split. This information doesn't come until quite late in Part Two. Surely the ones who wanted action didn't just become quiet because the royal family died and their influence ended. How did the mind control affect the rebels and their desire for equality? This didn't seem to be explored.

There are a number of key scenes that follow through too quickly. In the case of key scenes, a slower pace is generally better. They are important moments, and many aspects need to be addressed: the action, the impact on the characters, the introspection of the characters both before, during, and after, as well as normal considerations like description and narration.

The character development is very good. Like with the above, however, some changes develop a bit too quickly to be fully realistic.

The manuscript itself does need to be edited; there are inconsistencies, confusing and vague references that don't seem to apply to anything, punctuation errors, native terms that aren't defined, and other bits that were possibly left over from a previous rewrite that you did.

Overall, an enjoyable read! I think, with some more elbow grease, you can really make this work shine.